


Only Fools Fall For You

by queerlyinfinite



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clarke's POV, F/F, I think it's angst?, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 18:32:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5259230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerlyinfinite/pseuds/queerlyinfinite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Lexa left Clarke at the altar, Clarke still can’t figure out why she did it. They had been perfect. So what went wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Fools Fall For You

**Author's Note:**

> so this had been in my head for ages and i've been slowly getting it down onto a screen. idk if it's ooc at all, i just needed to get it out of my head and write it down.
> 
> also thanks to thecommander-skimmons (i think) on Tumblr for helping me out with a summary!

It wasn’t meant to be like this, it wasn’t meant to have turned out this way. Clarke was so sure that this was the day everything was going to turn out perfectly. There was meant to be more laughter, nights filled with their smiles and day to be had curled up with one another on their tiny sofa. There wasn’t meant to be tear stained faces, ruined make up and too much expensive leftover food.

 

But somehow, everything had changed in a minute.

 

Everything that Clarke had thought stable had been uprooted into a mess of confusion and hurt. Things had made sense not even half an hour ago, and now nothing made sense. She thought she had been set for the future, that she was going to be off onto a new adventure with her best friend, her rock. Her wife.

 

AN HOUR EARLIER

_“Are you ready Clarke? It’s nearly show time, and you have quite the audience waiting for you out there” asked Octavia. Clarke had chosen her as her maid of honour, considering that Octavia was practically her family and best friend. Octavia’s nerves were worse than Clarke’s were, but they had both expected that. O had a tendency to worry more about Clarke than Clarke did._

_“O, calm down. I’m ready, I don’t think I could be more ready if I tried. Hell, I couldn’t be more ready if you tried. How is it that you’re more stressed than I am on my wedding day?”_

__  
  


“ _I’m allowed to be more stressed than you! It’s your big day, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but that’s kind of a big thing Clarke. This means vows you have to keep and the same one person until one of you dies! Don’t get me wrong, Lexa is hot but still, how aren’t you stressed about this princess?”_

_“Simple, I know she’s the one. When she looks at me, I feel like every fibre of my being is loved by her. When she kisses me, it’s as though she’s setting off fireworks in every area of my body. I’m not stressed because, in the simplest terms, I know she’s the one for me, O. Also, y’know, the sex isn’t half bad.” A smile had crept up on Clarke’s face, and she found herself thinking about how incredible it would feel to be married to the woman who made her feel all these things._

_“Fucking hell Clarke, that might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard you say. And that’s considering the fact that I was your flatmate when you and Lexa started dating.” Clarke and Octavia laughed, the sound perfect to go with the mood Clarke was in._

_They both found tears in their eyes, and once they had been wiped away, Octavia put her hands on Clarke’s shoulders._

_“I think I’m allowed to be pretty gay today, O. It is my wedding after all” Clarke said with a swish of her wedding dress. It had taken the pair a week to find Clarke the perfect wedding dress, one that she thought complimented her in all the right ways as well as made her feel as though she’d be comfortable wearing it all day and some of the night. Octavia had joked that it was a damn good thing it was so pretty for the photos because she had no doubt Lexa would soon tear it off when they were alone that night. Clarke hadn’t disagreed with her._

_“I know Clarke. But seriously though, if Lexa does anything I will kick her ass and bring enough ice cream over for a week, okay? I’m deadly serious, I love you Clarke and I will choose you over her if she fucks up.” Octavia had a look on her face that would have made most people cower, but Clarke was used to it by now. O tended to use it when she was making bold statement and wanted people to believe that she was able to kick some ass._

_“Octavia, you don’t need to kick Lexa’s ass at all. I get that you’re worried, but there’s really nothing to be worried about. Lexa and I, we’re both ready. It’s all going to go off without a problem. And if there is one, I have no doubt that you’ll be the most badass maid of honour and solve it.”_

__  
  


PRESENT

 _How wrong was I?_ Clarke thought. There had been one problem; her wife to be. The one that made her feel like they were in their own world when they were looking at each other. The one that made Clarke feel like her heart was both beating a hundred miles a minute and had stopped when they kissed. Clarke was deep in thought as she vaguely registered another tear trickle down her cheek. Another one to join the hundreds.

 

She felt arms wrap around her, but Clarke couldn’t bring herself out of her thoughts. She couldn’t find it in herself to bring herself back to the present moment. Clarke was still stuck trying to figure it all out, trying to figure out how she had ended up here and how it had all gone so wrong.

 

“Clarke, we need to leave now babe. There are other people that need to use this place, other people need to get in here. It’s okay, we can leave and go back to my hotel room though.”

 

Ah, yes, other people need to get married. Other people who are actually able to be wed and happy together.

 

Clarke felt like her ears were full of water and that she was unable to move easily. It felt like there was a crushing pressure against her as she tried to move herself from the arms wrapped around her. When she tried to speak, Clarke felt like she was about to vomit. _This is all very similar to being underwater_ , she thought, _is this what it feels like to have everything go so wrong in such little time? To have everything I thought I knew to be so suddenly crushed?_

 

“Clarke, please listen to me. We need to leave now, and we’re gonna go back to my hotel room okay?” Octavia tried again to get a response from Clarke, who had been sitting where she had collapsed since she had found out Lexa had bailed on her. Seeing Clarke like this worried her, and she turned to Bellamy.

 

“Bell, go and get my car please, I’m gonna take her back to my room. Here’s the keys, bring it as close as you can to the front. Whilst I’d love for Clarke to have all the time in the world in here, I don’t feel like telling the other people who need to come in to fuck off. I’d hate to ruin their special day.”

 

Bellamy nodded, with the understanding that Octavia wasn’t going to leave Clarke here on her own, or let the people outside wait for longer than necessary. Octavia moved her arms from being wrapped around Clarke to one being under her legs and the other being around her back.How ironic, Octavia thought, that I’m carrying Clarke bridal style away from this shitstorm.

 

“Babe, I’m gonna lift you up now okay? Then we’re gonna get in my car and go to my hotel room.” Clarke seemed to invert on herself more, making her seem smaller and more fragile. Octavia lifted her up and moved down the aisle. She kicked open the double doors and moved through the crowd of the next lot of people. Octavia caught a couple of people staring and sent them a glare that soon had them looking down at the floor.

 

 _They all look so happy and ready for their big day. I wonder if it’ll fuck up for them too_ , Clarke thought. She turned her head, to look at the bride who was smiling brightly at more people in dresses. Clarke found that her head felt less underwater and more of her own now. Clarke opened her mouth, no longer feeling like she was going to vomit anymore.

 

“Get me out of here please O” was the last thing Clarke said before the doors opened to the outside world and reality.

 

THE NIGHT BEFORE

_Clarke was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if she’d feel any different by this time tomorrow. She wondered if she’d feel more adult, more responsible. More like she’d started a new chapter in her life, but this time is was going to fully be with another person. Just as Clarke was drifting off to sleep, her phone buzzed loudly on her bedside table, lighting up the room with the notification of a text. Clarke turned over in bed to unlock her phone and immediately saw that it was Lexa._

_Lexa (9.42pm): I can’t sleep, I miss your smell._

_Lexa (9.42pm): Would it be a terrible idea to come back home?_

_Lexa (9.43pm): Clarke, I’m serious. If I’m grumpy tomorrow, it’s because I can’t sleep due to missing your smell too much._

_Lexa (9.43pm): That’s it, I’m coming home. I can’t sleep without you._

_Clarke smiled as she read Lexa’s continuous texts. It wasn’t that Clarke wasn’t having trouble sleeping either, but it had helped that Octavia and Abby had made sure to exhaust Clarke with all sorts of things throughout the day._

_Clarke (9.44pm): As much as I would love for you to be next to me right now, you agreed to stay at Anya’s tonight! Stay right where you are, I don’t want any possible back luck for tomorrow._

 

_Lexa (9.45pm): Clarke, this isn’t fair. I’m having to suffer because you made me stay here? Not fair._

_Clarke (9.45pm): From what I remember, you happily agreed to go if I gave you what you wanted._

_Lexa (9.46pm): We both know it isn’t fair when you use sex to convince me to agree to things!_

_Clarke (9.47pm): There were no complaints about it until now. Is it possible that you’re missing me too much, and not just my smell?_

_Lexa (9.48pm): No possibility, and if there was, it would be because spending the night without you isn’t my favourite way of sleeping._

_Clarke (9.49pm): Your favourite way of sleeping will be restored if you sleep now babe. Also, you’re the biggest sap I know. I’m literally going to be marrying the biggest sap I know._

_Lexa (9.49pm): Fine, fine! I’m sleeping now, but only because it’ll make tomorrow come quicker. Goodnight Clarke, I love you._

_Clarke (9.50pm): Have a good sleep, and I shall see you tomorrow! I can’t wait to be your wife, and I love you too._

_Lexa (9.50pm): Oh, and I’m the biggest sap? The sentiment is returned of course, but now I’m actually going to be sleeping._

_Clarke chose not to respond after that, deciding it would be better to let Lexa get as much sleep as possible. She soon found herself cuddling up to the pillow that her fiancé used and fell asleep holding onto it. Clarke had found it fairly easy to fall asleep, even with her mind racing with thoughts of tomorrow and the future her and Lexa would have as spouses. They’d both been hesitant at first when it came to having such a big wedding, as Lexa’s whole family wanted to come. But Clarke had voiced that if it was her wedding say, she’d like to go big or go home, and so it was soon decided that they’d do exactly that; go big._

__  
  


PRESENT

Clarke was now more aware of her surroundings, and realised that Octavia had put her into her car. She could remember the mention of going back to a hotel room, and figured that that’s where they were going. Clarke looked to the left of her, and found her best friend looking at the road with an intense concentration on her face. She noticed that her hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly, to the point of her knuckles being white.

 

 _I don’t understand how it could all have been ruined so quickly, I don’t understand how this happened,_ Clarke thought. She would have seen this coming, she knew Lexa. She liked to think that they both communicated to each other with ease, with the knowledge that the other would listen and try to find a solution if one was needed. So why hadn’t Lexa spoken about something being wrong?

 

“How could it all go so wrong so quickly?” Clarke’s question hung in the air between them, and Clarke saw Octavia tense up before relaxing again.

 

“I-I don’t know Clarke.” Octavia kept her attention to the road, not wanting to see Clarke continue to break down in the front seat of her car. She could see from the corner of her eye another tear roll down her best friend’s cheek, and that she was staring daggers at the dashboard.

 

“I’m just confused. I need to know how it could go wrong in such a short space of time.” More tears started strolling down Clarke’s face as she remembered hearing about how stunning Lexa looked. As she remembered waiting at the end of the aisle with a stomach full of butterflies, and then the crushing feeling of someone (she couldn’t remember who) telling her that Lexa wasn’t coming, that Lexa was nowhere to be found. Clarke thought it had all been so perfect, that they had both thought it had all been perfect.

 

_How wrong was I?_

 

4 MONTHS BEFORE

_“So what? You would name our child something like Rupert or Gregory due to how traditional they are?” Lexa asked as she brought two beers over to their sofa, setting them down on the coffee table and curling up under the blanket with Clarke._

_“Well no, not just for how traditional they are. I also like how they sound, and how unique they are. You have to admit, you don’t hear them very much anymore! Plus, are you really telling me that Rupert is worse than Nerva?” Clarke argued._

_Her and Lexa had been discussing children’s name for about an hour, with Lexa confused as to why Clarke would have such a wild taste in names. Clarke was just as confused, but only because Lexa had an obsession with historical names._

_“I’ll have you know that Nerva is a very good name, it means strength. Who doesn’t want their child to be strong, in any manner of being?”_

_“Yeah, I get that, but have you considering the kind of teasing that would happen with a name like that? We are not naming our child Nerva, Lexa. No way in hell is that happening.” Clarke’s face suddenly went pale, and she looked down at her beer before slowly meeting Lexa’s eyes._

  
  


_“Oh, so we’re having a child are we Clarke? I hadn’t realised this was a discussion about our child’s name.” Lexa had a blank facial expression, and Clarke worried that she was freaking out._

 

_“No, I just- it slipped out and I didn’t mean-” Lexa started laughing and Clarke felt her cheeks go red. “You are such an asshole, Lexa Woods! You made me think you were freaking out!”_

 

_“I had to have my fun after you just dropped it on me that we were discussing our child’s name! But seriously, I’ve thought about children. In general, and with you of course.” Now it was Lexa’s turn to blush and she sipped her beer._

_“Oh yeah? What else have you thought about?” Clarke asked, moving closer to Lexa and moving her legs so that they were wrapped around Lexa’s waist._

_“I’ve also thought about us growing old together, in those stupid rocking chairs on a porch because I know you, and I know that you’d really want a front porch for us to grow old in. And of course, that would then mean you wanted those bloody rocking chairs, so we’d have to grow old in rocking chairs on the front porch.” Lexa took a break to examine Clarke’s facial expression, which she found to be happy and interested in what she was saying so she continued. “I’ve also thought about us buying our first house together. Now I know we have this apartment, and that’s great, I love this apartment. But I thought about how we’d need more space and buy a house. Probably one with enough room for you to have a room for your art and a room for me to have a study in.”_

_“Wow” was all Clarke could get out. She’d thought about this kind of stuff before too, but she hadn’t realised quite how much Lexa had been thinking about it. “Anything else you’ve been keeping hidden away up there babe?”_

_“Well, a few things. But I’m not sure you’re ready for them just yet.” Lexa smirked and tilted her head, setting a challenge for Clarke to ask what they were._

_“I can assure you I’m quite ready. I mean, I did just bring up a conversation about our child’s potential names.” Clarke smirked back at Lexa and made sure to keep eye contact, in the hopes that Lexa would spill her thoughts._

_“I’ve also thought about proposing to you.”_

 

_Everything stopped for Clarke. She felt herself go rigid, but her head was alive with excitement. Lexa hadn’t stopped looking at her, and Clarke could Lexa trying to figure out if Clarke was freaking out or not. She could see Lexa backing up on herself slightly, as though she was about to try and catch her words from where they had spilled out of her mouth._

_“So why don’t you?” Clarke smiled, and now it was Lexa’s turn to look stumped for what to say._

_“Ri-right now?”_

_“Or in the future, but I’m okay with it being right now.” Clarke saw a brief look of confusion pass over Lexa’s face. Lexa put her beer down on the coffee table and started to fiddle with one of her rings on her fingers. From what Clarke understood, they all had their own meaning to them, much like Lexa’s tattoos._

_“Clarke, this ring was given to me by Anya as a symbol that we’d forever be people that were entwined in each other’s lives. Now, I’d like to give it to you as the same symbol, and y’know, I’d also like to marry you but I felt the symbol thing was important.” Lexa looked hard at the ring, and then held it up with her finger and thumb in front of Clarke’s chest. “If you accept, I promise to uphold any and all promise I make to you, and to love you with all that I have for as long as I live.”_

_Clarke stared at the ring, the pattern looking like tiny branches entwined together to make a ring. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t big but it suited how her and Lexa worked perfectly. She smiled and held out her hand to Lexa._

_“I accept your proposal.” Clarke instantly felt Lexa’s lips press to hers, and a surge of love and affection from her._

__  
  


PRESENT

Clarke faintly heard the beep of the hotel door, signalling that the door was open. She felt Octavia gently nudge her into the room, but couldn’t bring herself to do anything more than that; to be pushed into the room. _Everything still feels so heavy_ , Clarke thought, how am I meant to do anything right now? Octavia closed the door, and moved to close the curtains, figuring that Clarke might need some time away from reality to figure this all out, or try to at least.

 

“Clarke? D’you maybe want to take off your dress? You can borrow some of my clothes to sleep in.” Octavia opened her suitcase and started getting out clothes.

Clarke could barely remember getting to the room, let alone remember Octavia actually bringing anything with her. Since O had picked her up, she couldn’t remember the specifics of how they got here, or anything else that happened.

 

“I’m going to need help.” Clarke whispered. Anything louder, and she felt like she might crack. Octavia smiled at her, and stood behind her to start undoing the many things in place keeping the dress on. After it had all been undone, Clarke stepped out of her dress surroundings and put on Octavia’s spare clothes. She then moved to the bed and went beneath the duvet. Clarke curled up, her knees against her chest and her arms wrapped around them whilst she laid on her side. Octavia soon joined her, and pulled her close.

 

“How? I just don’t get how. I need to know how.”

 

“We can only guess, princess. There’s only one person that knows that answer to that.” Octavia felt her eyes start to well up, she hated seeing Clarke like this. Whilst she had witnessed a lot of heartbreaks for Clarke, she hadn’t ever witness one quite this bad. Quite this sudden.

 

“I don’t think I can even cry anymore. It just hurts O, it just hurts really fucking badly. And the longer I go without knowing how and why it happened, the more it’s going to hurt.”

 

Octavia held onto to Clarke tighter. “Go to sleep, and I’ll see what I can find out okay? You just sleep right now, and I’ll work on finding out what the fuck happened.”

 

“How am I even meant to sleep right now? She just left me. She just up and left me on our fucking wedding day, O. Our wedding day. The day she wanted to do, the day she proposed we do. She was the one who proposed and then she’s the one who fucking leaves?! How does that happen? How the fuck does that happen?” Clarke hadn’t realised quite how angry she had gotten, and felt a couple of new tears fall down her face. _I just need to know what happened to make her decide to up and leave me on our wedding day_ , she thought before finally succumbing to her exhaustion.

 

ONE YEAR BEFORE

_“Clarke, are you sure this is the one? Please be sure, because I don’t want to get attached if this isn’t the one” asked Lexa, staring down at the ball of fluff in her arms._

_“Lexa, I am very sure. Look how cute he is! How could be not be the one for us? He’s just so cute and so damn fluffy” replied Clarke, lifting the puppy from Lexa’s arms and nuzzled the puppy with her face. He was a beautiful, black golden retriever and Clarke was convinced that he would be perfect for her and Lexa to adopt. “We’re naming him Jet, because he’s jet black and he’s zoomed into my heart as quick as a plane.”_

_“As quick as a plane huh? Did you just throw that in there in case I wasn’t convinced about the name already?” Lexa had an amused expression on her face, knowing that Clarke would be as cheesy and corny as she could about the name until Lexa agreed, reluctantly or not._

_“Maybe, but it’s working isn’t it?” Lexa nodded, and Clarke smiled triumphantly. “We need to go and buy a whole bunch of puppy stuff now!”_

__  
  


_After talking to the organisation about adopting the puppy, the couple moved through the forms and things they needed to know about Jet before finally being able to take him to their car, and get ready to drive home. As Clarke sat in the front with Jet, a small smile crept up on Lexa as she realised what they’d just done._

_“So, first we get a new apartment with a co-lease and now we’ve adopted a puppy? What’s next, Griffin?”_

_“Does there have to be a next right now? I mean, if you really want, I can go back in there and adopt all of Jet’s siblings.” Clarke laughed at Lexa’s startled expression, knowing she’d try to cover her tracks by insisting they didn’t need to get more puppies immediately. She took Lexa’s hand in hers as they sat still in the parking lot. “We can always get more puppies in the future if you really want, but babe, right now, I’m very happy with you, Jet and our new pet-friendly apartment.”_

_Lexa removed her hand from Clarke’s and brought it to Clarke’s cheek, whispering “and I’m very happy with you, Clarke” before softly kissing her. The kiss was sweet, short and sentimental, allowing Lexa to try and let her girlfriend know just how happy she was with everything._

_Pulling back, Lexa asked “now what do you say to going back to our new apartment after stopping to get some puppy proofing stuff first? I imagine we’re going to have to get quite the shopping load and I don’t want him peeing everywhere before we’re properly moved in.” Clarke nodded, stroking Jet in her lap, and Lexa set their destination before starting the car._

__  
  


PRESENT

“Babe, maybe you should slow down?” Octavia gently suggested, knowing that Clarke might not be open to slowing down. She wasn’t handling it well, she needed answers but couldn’t get them. No one had heard from Lexa, or at least, everyone had told her they hadn’t heard from Lexa.

 

“I’ve only had two beers, O. Maybe you should slow down” Clarke replied. She was aware that it was probably a lot more than two beers, but with the conversation she was about to bring up, she needed the liquid courage to get through it. “Plus, what does it matter? I’m going to need to be drunk to go back to my empty apartment, which is still full of all of our stuff. Our stuff, O. The stuff we shared, together, as a couple when we were in love and getting ready to spend our lives together. For fuck sakes, we even have a dog! Oh god, Jet! He’s been all alone all this time.” Clarke starting sniffing, she could feel herself about to cry.

 

“Don’t worry about Jet, Bellamy is looking after him right now. I had him go get him when we got into the car. Bells said that Jet is having the time of his life, and that he’s been spoiled like Bellamy said he would do.” Octavia saw a small smile on Clarke’s face appear, which she took to mean Clarke would worry less about Jet.

 

“Okay so, now that my dog is sorted, what do I do about Lexa’s stuff in our apartment? Who gets the apartment? Do I go back and sort out all of her stuff, leave it at Anya’s or Gustus’ house? Or do I wait for her to come back and give it to her? Who gets what from the apartment?” Clarke was rushing through the questions, trying to get them all out of her head and into a conversation so she didn’t have to think about them anymore.

 

“I think we’ll take this question by question, but the main thing is what do you want? I mean, she made the biggest dick move so I kinda think you get the apartment and get to choose what to do. In terms of Lexa’s stuff, sort it into bags and things, then you can decide where to move it to. If you want to leave it with Anya or Gustus, I’m sure they’d be okay with that. But if you want to wait for her to come back for it, that’s okay too.” Octavia hadn’t expected such a full force of questions from Clarke, but was glad she managed to answer them with ease. She wanted to be there for her best friend, and figured that Clarke was fully in the right to do what she wanted with the apartment. After all, it had been Lexa who had left Clarke without an explanation as to why.

 

“So I guess I should get to sorting all that stuff out then? As soon as possible right, just gotta rip that band aid right off?”

 

“Clarke, you’re the medical professional here. Does ripping off the band aid really sound like the best option?”

 

“Right now? Yes. Anything but going slowly through this whole process would be better than slowly peeling off the band aid. As a medical professional, my very professional opinion is to professionally rip of the band aid.” Clarke’s words were starting to slur a little bit, and her eyes were starting to gloss like they usually did when she was nearing being drunk.

 

“Okay, I think that’s enough for tonight. Come on princess, let’s go to bed.” Octavia put the many empty bottles in the trash, and moved towards the bedroom. She heard Clarke’s feet treading softly after her, and they both got ready for bed in silence. Once they were both in Octavia’s bed, she could hear Clarke breathe hard like she did when she was thinking deeply. Whilst they shared an apartment together, Octavia had gotten used to some of Clarke’s habits on the occasions where they shared a bed together after very long TV show marathons or very long discussions.

 

“Get it out babe, we’ve got an early start if you wanna sort shit out at your apartment.”

“It’s been a week Octavia. No one has heard from her, and she hasn’t even tried to contact me. I’ve heard nothing from her. Did I really mean so little to her that she could just up and leave me without anything?” The tears in Clarke’s voice became more evident as she continued speaking, and O made sure to cuddle closer to her best friend.

 

“She’s being a coward, that’s why no one has heard from her. She’s run away, and hasn’t thought to look back because she’s a spineless piece of shit and you deserve better than that.” Clarke’s breathing had gotten deeper, as it did when she was getting sleepy. Octavia took that as Clarke accepting her answer. _If I ever see Lexa, she can bet she’s getting her ass kicked by me_ , O thought.

 

“Mkay” was the last thing she heard before hearing Clarke’s breathing level out and her start snoring lightly.

 

2 YEARS BEFORE

_“So she’s all moved in now Clarke? You know there’s no going back now right?” Raven asked. Clarke changed the way she was holding the phone so she could get more comfortable whilst Lexa slept on top of her in her – their apartment._

_“Yeah, we finished packing a couple of hours ago and had been busy until now.”_

_“Uh-huh, I bet you’ve been really busy christening every surface together now that you’re sharing the place.” Clarke would practically hear Raven’s smirk as she spoke, and imagined that Anya was goading her to tease Clarke._

_“What makes you think we hadn’t christened every area before now Raven?” Clarke would hear Raven’s intake of breathe, probably realising that whilst Raven had lived here, she’d be using thoroughly fucked on surfaces._

_“Just tell me you didn’t do it on the kitchen counters and I’m fine.” Clarke said nothing, preferring a silent truth to saying it. “Oh for fucks sake Clarke, I cooked on those for crying out loud! Rude much?”_

_“No more ruder than you were the night you and Anya came into my room to have sex. And don’t even deny it, your faces said it all when you realised I was there! Anyway, I’m going now. Got some_ _more christening to do.” And with that, Clarke hung up the phone after hearing Raven trying to deny it. Clarke could feel Lexa stirring on top of her, and put her phone down beside them._

_Lexa looked up from her spot, eyes heavy with sleep. “Who were you on the phone with?” she asked._

_“Raven, she wanted to make sure I was ready for this and it turned into teasing her about christening this place when she still lived here.”_

_Lexa’s lips turned into a small smile, a rare kind of smile for her. “I sure hope you’re ready for this, we have a tree together now.” They both looked over to their kitchen table, where their bonsai tree sat in a new form._

_“That we do, though was the phallic imagery really necessary Lexa? You are an adult now, where is your maturity?” Clarke smirked, knowing that Lexa had only shaped their tree like a dick to annoy her._

_“You texted me asking to make it into a dick! How was I supposed to know that you wanted to shape it like a duck?” It was now Lexa’s turn to smirk, as Clarke got ready to argue that she hadn’t misspelled the word duck. “But it’s still a pretty tree I think.”_

 

_“It needs a name though babe.”_

__  
  


_“Our tree does not need a name. It is a tree.”_

_“Lexa, we have to name the tree. We can’t an unnamed bonsai tree, I won’t allow it.” Lexa looked at Clarke’s face, noting that she was doing her ‘stubborn and ready to fight’ face._

_“Fine Clarke, let’s call it Peter.”_

_“Uh, am I missing something? Why Peter?”_

_“I don’t know, you wanted to name the thing. I’ve always loved Peter Pan, the novel, so why not?” Lexa cuddled into Clarke more, shifting so that she felt closer to her._

_“I didn’t know that babe, how come you love the book so much?”_

_“When I was younger, I loved the idea that there’s this kid that refuses to mature physically beyond what he is now, despite him mentally maturing anyway.” Clarke looked down at Lexa, noticing that she was staring off into the distance and she wondered if younger Lexa has wanted to be Peter Pan, if her Lexa now still wished she didn’t have to mature as quickly as she had done._

_“Peter the bonsai tree it is then.”  Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa and started to nod off._

PRESENT

Clarke had woken up about an hour, but was yet to move. She could hear Octavia’s light snoring, and had noticed that her phone kept lighting up in the dark. Clarke sat up, put on her slippers and grabbed her phone on the way to the living room. The room itself was nice and small, with a sofa taking centre stage. Clarke sat down on it, dragging a blanket around herself. She looked at her phone and noticed she had texts from Indra, Raven and Abby.

 

None from Lexa.

 

_Raven (7.02am): How are you? O said you’d been staying at hers since the thing, just wondering if you wanted to have a pizza night soon?_

_Raven (7.02am): Or beer and pizza. We could get our drinks on, the three of us._

_Indra (7.05am): My deepest apologies Clarke. I hope you are okay, and I am sending my best wishes._

_Abby (6.30am): Don’t forget that Bellamy has Jet again this week, so don’t worry about going back yet._

_Abby (6.31am): Also I gave Octavia some leftovers from the meal she came to. Thought you’d enjoy some homemade food._

_Abby (6.32am): I just got to work, I’ll ring you later okay? x_

 

Clarke sighed. She’d known that Abby had been asking after her at the meal Octavia had attended for her. She just couldn’t face her mother yet, and to be completely honest, she couldn’t face Raven either. Her phone began to buzz, alerting Clarke to the fact that she hadn’t replied to any of the messages and that she was just sat staring at them. Her phone stopped buzzing, and then started again. It was Raven calling, and as much as Clarke wanted to ignore the call and sit a while, she answered.

 

“Finally Clarke! It would be helpful if you actually replied to your texts! You know that’s one of the good things about texting, that you can not only receive messages but also return them?” Raven’s voice was way too cheery for Clarke at this hour.

 

“I’m well aware what texting is used for, but I’m happy to know that you’re also aware of what it’s used for Rae. Any reason you haven’t used it since the failure that was my wedding?”

 

She could hear Raven’s sharp exhale of air, and was ready for some reason.

 

“It’s hard Clarke. I’m best friends with both of you. Can we please discuss this later when I come over? We can talk all you want then, I promise.”

 

“So there is something to talk about? Does it have anything to do with the fact that my wife-to-be just decided to up and leave without any warning on the day of our wedding, or the fact that my best friend since then has had no contact with me at all? Please enlighten me Raven, cos I’m really in the mood for a decent fucking explanation.” Clarke was close to tears, she’d been doing her best to keep herself in check with Raven but it was hard to do that when she’d just disappeared along with Lexa.

 

“Clarke, please let me explain later. I can tell you everything then.”

 

“No, Raven. I don’t want to know everything later, I want to fucking know why you also decided it was a good fucking idea to leave as well, also without any fucking warning!” She could feel herself getting angrier by the moment, and that hadn’t been the aim of Clarke picking up the phone to Raven. Within the second, Clarke hung up the phone and threw it down on the table.

 

“Shit, that sounded intense. You okay babe?” Octavia asked quietly from the end of the couch. Clarke hadn’t even noticed her come into the living room, let alone perch on the sofa arm.

 

“No, I’m not okay O. What the fuck do I do next? I need to go and move all of Lexa’s stuff out of our apartment. But is that even the right thing to do?” Octavia sat down next to Clarke and brought her into her arms.

 

“If you want the apartment, it’s yours. We can go and move it all out soon if you’re feeling up to it?” Octavia could feel drips of hot tears on her arms and cuddled Clarke a little tighter. “We can do this when you’re ready, princess.”

 

“Will I ever be ready? I mean, a week ago I was preparing to spend the rest of my life to her, and now I’m going to be moving her stuff out of our apartment.”

 

O didn’t know what to say, and instead cuddled Clarke tighter.

 

“I need to move on from the person I was ready to be with until we were both old. I need to go back to our apartment and decide parts of our shared life I’m gonna throw out. This sucks.”

 

Octavia chuckled, “It definitely sucks babe. You know you can stay here as long you want right? Even if you do steal all of the blanket in bed.”

 

Clarke laughed, and felt more free doing it. “To be fair, I only do that because you’re so damn cold in bed. If you weren’t so cold, I wouldn’t have to use all of the blanket. But seriously, thank you O, you’ve been amazing. And I think I’m going to try and sort it out soon enough, I just need to accept it’s going to be hard. Ugh, who said relationships were a good idea?”

 

“Princess! Are you telling me that you don’t love our relationship? I don’t think I’ve ever been so offended in my life.”

 

“O, I love the relationship, I just don’t love you.”

 

“That was fucking rude, and here I am practically cuddling the shit out of you cos I love you so damn much.” Octavia started pressing overly wet kisses to Clarke’s cheeks and neck, holding her squirming friend in place through their cuddling position.

 

“Stop, I surrender! Is it possible to love you even less than before?” Clarke was laughing too hard to get any more words out, and felt Octavia ease up for a moment.

 

“Don’t even lie, you love me the most and you know it.” Octavia placed a final kiss on an area that hadn’t been attacked and got comfortable with Clarke again. “Let’s just focus on today, and we’ll sort out your apartment another day okay babe? Let’s just stay on this couch for now, and deal with this tomorrow. Or later, when Raven gets here.”

 

Clarke nodded, and passed O the remote to decide what they were going to watch until responsibility got in the way.

 

2 AND A HALF YEARS BEFORE

_Clarke could practically see the clogs in Lexa’s mind turning slowly, probably trying to figure out how to say the big three words back. It hadn’t bothered Clarke that she’d been the first to say them, but she could tell that Lexa had been trying to say it for the past hour of them hanging out together. Every time that Clarke would do something particularly cute, she could see Lexa’s cheeks redden and that her expression would become one of seriousness. She’d soon figured what could be so important to do this to Lexa, and she wasn’t usually wrong about this kind of thing._

_Lexa’s voice interrupted her train of thought, “Clarke, I’ve got something important to say to you.” Her voice was sharp and hard, and if Clarke wasn’t so sure that Lexa was about to say I love you back, she’d worry that Lexa was about to break up with her._

_“Yes babe?”_

_Lexa turned to look at the textbook laid out on her lap, and then looked at Clarke’s hand intertwined with hers. Why does this have to be so hard? Lexa thought. Clarke had already said the words to her, she could say them back. Clarke watched as Lexa’s face became one of peace all of a sudden._

_“I love you.”_

_Clarke’s face broke out into a smile. One that reached her eyes, “I know. I love you too. Though now you’ve made me lose 20 bucks babe, I bet Octavia that we’d be 60 years old when you said it.”_

 

_Lexa didn’t say anything but just stared at Clarke._

 

_“Babe, I’m joking. I knew you’d say it back when you were ready. These things come harder for you, I get that.”_

 

_“Hmph. Did you really make a bet with Octavia?”_

 

_“It depends. How annoyed would you be if I told you I’d made 50 bucks?”_

 

_Now it was Lexa’s turn to smile, “you bet O 50 bucks that I’d say it before you were 60?”_

 

_“No, I bet her 50 bucks you’d say it this weekend.” Clarke smiled smugly at her girlfriend, knowing that she was secretly impressed even if she wasn’t going to show it. Clarke leant in to press a light kiss to Lexa’s cheek. She heard Lexa let out a happy sigh and pressed another kiss to Lexa’s other cheek._

 

_“Clarke, am I ever going to get a kiss on the lips?”_

_“Only if you tell me again.”_

_“I love you.” Before Lexa had fully said the last word, Clarke lips had found their way to Lexa’s._

PRESENT

Clarke had been sat on the floor of her apartment for an hour now, trying to decide what to label the boxes as. Octavia had dropped her off at her apartment and had been reassured by Clarke that she’d been fine to do this on her own. She needed to be alone to sift through all their possessions and decide what to with them. What possessions were more Lexa’s than hers, what ones she could part with despite having made up this apartment together.

 

It had been eerie coming back to what used to be their apartment on her own, now single. After a quick look around, Clarke had discovered that none of Lexa’s things had gone, not even any clothes had been taken. _I wonder if she’s avoided this place as much as I have?_ Clarke had thought. When she had gone into the bedroom, she had found her bed as she’d left it; with Lexa’s t-shirt on the pillow. Clarke had used it to help her get to sleep the night before her wedding.

 

But now, she was sat on the floor surrounded by stuff that was mainly Lexa’s and trying to figure out what she could put into a box and give to Indra or Gustus to pass onto Lexa.

 

It had now been a month since the failed wedding, and this was the first time Clarke had been able to stay in the apartment without wanting to throw things at the walls. As she continued to look hopelessly as the things surrounding her, Clarke felt her phone buzz in her pocket.

 

Octavia (2.30pm): How’s the sorting going?

 

Clarke (2.31pm): Like utter shit, I don’t know what to do with all of this stuff!

 

Clarke (2.31pm): Also I might have found Lexa’s t-shirt I used on the night before the wedding. Is it meant to be this hard to sort through it all?

 

Octavia: (2.32pm): You knew it was going to be hard babe. If it’s too much, then just leave it for now, you don’t have to do this princess. You’re staying with me anyway, just leave it at that for now and then do this when you’re ready.

 

Clarke (2.33pm): O, I am ready. I want to live back in my apartment with my dog and do my work and continue like I was, just without the fiance that apparently didn’t love me enough to go through with her word.

 

Octavia (2.34pm): Ooh, bitter Clarke is coming out, I love it when you’re bitter! And if you really want to live back there, do it but just put the stuff you view as Lexa’s into a box and put it somewhere you can’t see it. Out of sight, out of mind right?

 

Clarke (2.35pm): I’m not bitter, I just don’t understand it all. And that’s a good idea O, thanks babe. Talk later x

 

She put her phone back into her pocket, and started sifting through the things that she didn’t want to see around her apartment every day. By the time that night fell, Clarke had managed to fill up two boxes that she had labelled ‘Lexa’s Crap’ and had decided to put the box in the cupboard by the front door.

 

-

 

“O, there is no way that I am up for going out tonight! I’ve not had a night to myself since I moved back into my apartment.”

 

“But Clarke! It’s beer and movie night with Raven, you have to come.” Octavia whined at the end of the Clarke’s phone, trying her hardest to get Clarke to agree to spend the night at Octavia’s apartment.

 

“Babe, I love you, but I want a night alone. No, I need a night alone.”

 

“Ugh, fine, be a party pooper. Text me later?” Octavia huffed at Clarke’s decline of her invitation but tried to understand that she needed some time alone.

 

“Sure, now go have fun doing things with Raven, or rather, doing Raven.” Clarke smirked, knowing that Octavia had been trying to keep her and Raven’s newly formed relationship quiet.

 

Octavia laughed,“fine I will, go have fun being on your own.”

 

Clarke hung up the phone, and put her bag down, having just entered the apartment as her phone call ended. Immediately, Jet came to greet her with his tail wagging like wild and brushing himself against her legs. She walked further into her apartment, trying to decide what to do. _Housework or online errands first?_ , Clarke thought. As she looked around her apartment, she decided that the mess wasn’t too bad, online errands it is. Clarke got herself and Jet situated comfortable on the sofa before loading up her laptop to do the usual errands, like pay bills or renew her Netflix account.

 

“Jet, do we reckon that my laptop is going to take less time to load than making a drink?” Clarke asked, not bothering to check if Jet had even lifted his head up. Every afternoon, Bellamy took Jet out for a walk so it wasn’t surprising when Clarke came home to find Jet tired and happy to chill out for a couple of hours. Deciding that she would make a drink before getting through the list of people that she needed to pay this month, Clarke moved towards the kitchen. She opened a couple of cupboards before finding the drink of her choice; hot chocolate. In the background, Clarke faintly heard Jet grumble and assumed it was him just making noise until she heard the sound of keys jingling and the front door opening.

 

“Octavia? Babe, I told you I am not up for having a beer and movie night!” Clarke shouted out, hoping that Raven and Octavia would stop their attempt to try and get to spend time with them. She got that they were probably still worried, but she needed time to herself.

 

When she got no reply, Clarke moved towards the front door. As she turned the corner to it, she stopped dead in her tracks.

 

“Lexa."

 

 


End file.
